Confession

I hold this confession

heavy on my tongue

like a ton of bricks

your expected disapproval outweighs speaking these thoughts

and keep it in my mouth

i keep this choice 

tucked away

heavy on our friendship

Outwardly I'll keep it light 

to keep it hidden

but here the bricks sit 

heavy on my tongue

2164

Music meets mood and scenery 

a feeling a step above dead fills the car

the false heat of the heater keeps me warm

and I can feel it creeping into my core

my lips pull upward into a smile

not the smile I wear 

but the one that I genuinely feel 

the sun rises around me

and I'm not dead

I pull into the parking lot

and pull out the keys

the car is cold

I open the door

and step out into the weather

the warm rushes from me

and I put on my heavy smile

 

Sober

i stumble in and out of consciousness

sober

taking deep breaths as the waves crash against me

and try to pull me away

back down to the beginning

when I was spinning, searching

out of control

you hit me like an earthquake

and everything stopped

I was sober

shaken to sobriety

by the glimpse of his face

all my dreams of you

in all my dreams of you

you were always in the other room

I should have known

I scribbled on my walls 

wearing each word on my sleeve

my eyes squeezed shut

I never knew

but I showed it all to you

I should have known

each word spilling from me blind

you saw what I felt 

I never knew

In all my dreams of you 

you were always in the other room

i should have known

Roses

the roses make me gag

such false representations of love

fill the vases 

hunger envelopes me

and all I see are roses

her mirror

i stared into my own eyes

watching the last breath seep from my lips

her mirror reflecting my death

my eyes pierce my heart

and she fades

the little girl in me fades

quickly without much strain

her existence was short

and holds no place in me

the exit

I feel closer to that inevitable moment

I can feel the changes under my skin

and my words making subtle hints

the tragedy burning inside 

craving the release

isolation slowly encompassing me

slowly so it can go unnoticed 

without your pain

or your tears

to just one day no longer exist