Numb Clarity

I woke from a dream and the tension in my chest had been released. My mind had spent the night 

sorting through the static of yesterday. Everything was clear and my little black curtain had been drawn. I hadn't seen the curtain in a while and what a relief it was to wake up to it. I had been so open and vulnerable without it. Ah, to stand behind my walls again. How refreshing not to feel.

standstill

time is moving forward

i am standing still in the pain of yesterday

the sting of my chest 

and the questions in my head are what i wake to

always more intense in the first moments of the day

like it's testing me

seeing how much it will actually take for me to quit

for me not to put on my shoes

but I get up

heavy

just like the time before

and i physically move forward with time

but emotionally drag myself through your words

your actions

your eyes 

your situation

and nothing adds up

they all say something different

i have found myself in an emotional standstill  

wondering where to go next

Sleep

last night I slept 

really slept

dried tears on my cheeks

no wondering

just intense sleep

and this morning I woke to the same ache

and the same tears

no wondering

just intense ache

tick...

my mind is closed

and my hands are shaking

the dilemma:

regret or the sting

tick...

my intensity pushing forward

my scars pulling back

the need and the want

on opposite sides of the scale

tick...

I want to scream 

"you are what I want"

but my voice is quiet

and my needs met

tick...

come get me

because I'm standing still

not going anywhere

waiting for your move

tick...

Nothing

I was always the girl that just wanted you to try

You were the boy who was never going to

We are what we are...

the biggest nothing that never will be