I'm sorry I wasn't more clear

There is something about your spirit

it lifts me up

and I want nothing more than to do the same for you

I am sorry you didn't know this

I worry about your problems with you

whether I know about them or not

you are always in my mind

I'm always searching for the answer

and the best way to approach you

I know you need motivation and structure

I wish I knew how to provide that

I don't even know how to do that for myself

what a mentor I am

But this isn't about me

this is about you 

and how to get you where you need 

and deserve to be

I feel very protective of you

like a mother

I couldn't be more proud of who you are now

but I know you want more for yourself

and that's what I love about your spirit

When you drift into your emotional release

know that I am sitting right there beside you

holding you

crying with you

wiping the blood away

not judging you

and without anger

just feeling what you feel

wishing to make it better

idealistic soulmate

Soon to be determined fate

I'm exaggerating the possibilities 

in my favor

It feels good to imagine

the best possible outcome

regardless of the idealism

or the possible disappointment

but right now I need the unrealistic

I need to feel hope

that I can find what I have lost

but better 

and in someone new

Cross your fingers

I'm taking a mental leap

in preparation for the emotional 

sky diving that will soon be 

Moving on

I have realized that it's time for me to move on

I need to be me without the wounds you left behind

I am strong and worthy of being loved

the right way

No more settling

or chasing

My life is all about me for the first time in 7 years

and I feel wonderful

hopeful and alive

I want polite 

and respectful

I want everything I deserve

and I won't settle for anything less

I want out

I don't know how to feel right now

I'm lost

and hurt

wanting so much more than this

needing more than this

I'm broken

beyond repair

Scream

You make my blood boil
turn to personal attacks
when you have nothing left
I will not be manipulated
I'm not the type
So, push on the brick wall
and see if it ever moves
Tell me again
that my lifes work is not for me
you have suddenly disappeared from my vision
and I can' t take another minute
of your bitter words
counsel me about life
when I'm the one who lives it
tell me I'm things I'm not
to make yourself feel better
I have lived every moment of my life
and you are better informed on the decisions I should make?
You are scrambling to find the ends to YOUR means
not mine
and that is why you are so wrong
this is all about you

Dear Randi,

You have walked beside me
when the rain pelted my face
when the sun burned my cheeks
You have held my hand
when I fell apart
when I was whole
You have slept in my bed
when I couldn't bare to be alone
when I couldn't stop laughing
You have always accepted me
when I was being a bitch
when I was being funny
You are my sister
and I would be less of a person without you

my passionate heart

I have found that I am unavailable
if you want to date that is
You see there was this boy
and I was this passionate girl
who gave my heart away to him
a very long time ago
I was the girl who lived life outloud
I did everything I loved with passion
then he stole my passionate heart
he made it stronger
the fire burned deeper
and I was too
I could breathe for the first time
everything I had passion for shined brighter
then he left
and my passion
well it burned out
I couldn't be passionate
without my passionate heart
that dwelled in someone else now
I lost the colors
the tastes
and my soul
I sit here today
without my passionate heart
the only heart I will ever share with a lover
I will not settle for less than my passionate heart
so, don't let me fool you
I am not available
I haven't been for a while
and I'm content with loneliness
as long as I never settle
So, someone with a passionate heart
please rebuild me
so, I don't have to settle for content.

Oops

Oops, you're suddenly unavailable

I guess that's what I'm drawn to

it burns a little

I don't like it so much

but it is or was just a crush

the butterflies linger

and so does the chemistry

but I stand without

another day without

I think I will sit here and pout

I want to stomp my feet

maybe have a fit

I liked where it was going

and now I'm not so sure

I don't want to be mature

I want what I want

and your girlfriend makes that impossible

I guess I will settle

I'll take our soccer chemistry

and wish there was still a little mystery.

take me on a trip

take me on a trip

I want to feel the room

the lights

my breath

I could only be on 'shrooms

take me on a trip

I want to feel the sounds

the colors

my thoughts

the revelations surround

take me on a trip 

I want to feel the sensations

the vibes 

my words

the minds own creation

take me on a trip

 

with anyone but you

I don't know how to be with anyone but you

My thoughts always stray

and I find them back at you

Needing what we were 

and destroying what I have

with each thought of you

I don't know how to be with anyone but you

I am lonely in company

I ache on the sunniest days

My soul is an addict 

searching for that first high

when you showed me what it was to love

selflessly, openly, and with ease

I don't know how to be with anyone but you

Before there was us 

I had not found my place

I wandered lonely through my days

now that we're done

I have lost my place

I wander lonely through my days 

Searching for a glimpse of that love

Finding nothing

I don't know how to be

without you

lonely words

I don't know us

We are a mystery to me

but I want it

Whatever we are or will be

I'm drawn to it

Maybe I'm lonely

but I feel something

Something I haven't felt since I was 17

a flutter of anticipation

a need to know you

and a need to see you again

Ode to Coffee

to begin my day right

I start with a warm cup of joe

to bring a smile when I'm sleepy

or even a little grumpy

to bring motivation to my bones

pleasure in liquid form

my palates very own soulmate

with the first sip

the morning fog is rushed away

and I'm ready to start my day

Tomorrow

She's not what you think

Her heart hurts when she's alone

and she releases this pain

with pain

She scrapes the blade across her arm

and the tears pour from my eyes

I want to hold her and tell her it doesn't have to be this way

instead I meditate above her watching her bleed

her body relaxes after the 7th cut

the emotional pain has been released

she seems blissful

and my chest burns

how could I have let her down

let her feel so alone

I am so ashamed

She holds a place in my heart 

that no one else can hold

so unique and full of life

it hurts that I can't help her fight this

it hurts that she hurts so deep

I wipe the blood from her arm

she's asleep now

and all the pain has been drained from her

she'll feel better tomorrow

and tomorrow I'll try again

Crush

My sweat tastes bitter in my mouth
just like your absence
my breathing is heavy 
and with each step I take
my mind wants me to quit
I'm drawn to you
and the butterflies you left behind still flutter
My heart pushes me to keep running
as if it will bring me closer to you
I can't wait to see where your existence leads

Oasis

she draws her bath

the steam and comfort surround her

her heart is lighter

in the warmth of the water

and the scented candles

are the portal to the life she dreams of

the bath is her oasis

from the weight of things as they are

the books she reads

and the journals she fills 

are all products of these baths

and her dreams

that she will one day live

build me up

Pull me under

it motivates me

drag me down

it strengthens me

love me

it pushes me away

show me the tragedy

it deepens my optimism

tell me I can't

it's the beginning of your defeat