Optimistic Loneliness

Loneliness

hollowing loneliness

deeper when it's fresh

at night 

alone in my room

my mind unoccupied

the words of the one's I admire can't scream loud enough

my ears only hear the silence 

and the lonely voices in my head

my heart has swallowed my loneliness

and left me here drowning with my optimism

until I wake tomorrow

when the optimism returns 

and I can conquer anything alone

forgotten yesterdays

the fog has set in

encompassing me

blinding me

standing in this familiar place

motionless

the weight of it pulling me down

to who I once was

and I can feel everything she felt here

the verge of tears

the dry lump in her throat

is now mine again

can I do this

can I be me in the fog

the pain humbles me

I am not strong here

I'm submissive

quiet

comatose

suicidal thoughts of her past flood me

feeling so tangible

and wanted

coping with old habits

overwhelming my mental health

testing me

and the person I have become

the yesterdays tugging at my sleeve

the voices in my head motivating the girl I once was

to be more today than she was then

building the inevitable confrontation between the two

waking up to here

good morning disappointment

why did you wake me?

I was sleeping so well on my couch

dreaming of not here

playful annoyances fill my head today

I'm ready for my coffee

to stimulate me with false happiness

and chase away my alarm clock of disappointment

Take me to a place

She wanders blankly through the forest

feeling each expansion and contraction of the crisp air in her lungs

the blue-green of this place is tranquil

the moisture in the air refreshes her

she continues to wander

searching

needing this place to exist other than in her dreams

My Vibrant Heart

I look back at how I've changed

how you have changed me

You were weak

and I was weak

and blind

you showed me what my heart was capable of

and now it isn't full of tears

or scars

but it's a vibrant red

bursting out of me like it did before life was real

and I can do anything

because you didn't love me the way I loved you

because I have failed miserably

but mostly because I'm still breathing

as if none of that ever happened...

Yesterday

I lost something great yesterday,

Us

I'm not even sure you ever accepted that it existed

but it did

and now it's lost

Morbid Passion

Suicidal thoughts of others 

obsess me

Draw me in and intrigue me

seeking the answers

of the things i will never know

or understand

my morbid passion?

the selfish demise of others

To Bleed on Paper

The knowledge of her words linger

but only in her thoughts

To bleed on paper again

she says

To bleed on paper

Words without emotion fill her pages

She's disappointed 

ink stains of lifeless words

To bleed on paper again

she says

Tragedy has always been our commonality

but today she stands without

and mine runs deeper than ever before

my words flow continuously

she's given up

To bleed on paper again

she says

words of ache pour out of me

happiness clots her pen

The two ends of the spectrum

to bleed on paper again 

she says...