:)

creativity at the tip of my tongue

pushing forward onto the screen

but my finger tips want to keep all of this in

keep it for us

my heart holds in its giddy laughter

covering it's mouth with the cup of my hand

my eyes are glowing

and my finger tips are still determined to keep this between us

which makes my heart swell even more

laughing in my head at my heart's logic

heart's don't have logic

especially mine

but here I am vaguely speaking of such happiness

The Jason Chapter

These are all poems about my childhood friend Jason when he left. I missed him very much, but he is back in my life now. I feel comfortable enough to share them now.

I wrote this one at IHOP one night. He was in the Army and there was a girl dressed in her Army uniform.

She's in all camo

enjoying her friends

laughing

enjoying life

each breath of it

and all I can do is think about you

How much I miss you

miss you thoroughly

because you stand inside of me

you breathe in

when I breathe in

you breathe out 

when I breathe out

I miss you

deep inside of who I am

the person in which you have helped me become

and I have never missed anyone like I miss you

nothing fills the holes that open when you're gone

I miss you

are words that will never live up to the hollowness inside of me right now

These Days

I want you here everyday

not just in my heart

but physically here to share all of my peaks

all of my pain

here to feel your peaks

your pain

but you are lost somewhere in my soul

even though that is the only place I can seem to find you these days...

Alone

I'm not mad

just...

alone

I need these people and they don't see things

they don't know what each drop floods my memory with

family occasions

anger

my unhappy mother

where are you now?

you were there then

I hate growing up

it took you away from me

you still live inside of me

but I need you to hold my hand

and hold me

you are the only one who makes me feel at ease

you can hold my loneliness in the palm of your hand

and throw it aside

where are you now?

I'm alone

blah

my eyes are poop brown today

i'm sleepy

and my coffee's cold

my blinking antagonist

my dry eyes are captivated by the blinking colon

i finally blink

i close my eyes 

and open them

the colon still blinking

it's pace forces my breathing to speed up

i can't breathe as fast as the colon blinks

but my breathing is determined to be in sync with the colon

i've stared at it for so long 

it almost looks like the blinking colon is irregular

taunting my breathing

speeding up and slowing down

just to keep me from being in sync

my eyes begin burning again

i close them

and open them

the colon still blinking

my breathing has given up

but now can't find it's own rhythm

i close my eyes and try to think about anything but my breath

i can see the colon behind my eye lids

still blinking

i open my eyes

and turn the clock towards the wall

i can feel each blink of the colon

now that i can't see it

my own little antagonist

this blinking colon

i can now hear a tick with each blink

and a pressure builds in my chest

i tell myself to think about anything but the colon 

and my breath

they are all i can think about

i now sit wide awake

just like before i noticed the blinking

but with anxiety

and irritation

all from a blinking colon

writing in the dark

I keep the lights off

and sit in the dark...

I pretend I'm not alone

but my room is empty

the space between us fills my thoughts

constantly

impatience antagonizes my anxiety

of what will be

or what won't be

where are your thoughts

dreaming?

wanting?

hoping?

anticipating?

I'm sitting in the dark 

literally

figuratively

and I wouldn't be thinking of you

if you didn't make it this way

a puzzle to piece together

or to leave scattered on the floor

which way will the scale tip?

I'm sitting in the dark

grasping for the answers

waiting 

wanting

anticipating

dreaming

hoping you are quietly doing the same somewhere else

One of Two

Talk to me 

I ache to know you

I ache to share something

to compromise

to feel something other than this

to hold your hand

to wake up to your warmth

to share your pain

to share your accomplishments

to be one of two

Restroom Escape

I sat on the sofa in the public restroom foyer absorbing every bit of silence the room had to offer. I felt whole. The loneliness tickled my ears and my heart swelled. I could breathe the air that was only mine. No lump in my throat. Alone is better when I’m actually alone. When I am not obligated to the clock or the social demands of being in public. I need my room, the door closed, and my words. Alone with all the thoughts that  drown me when I can’t think them clearly. My emotions are written all over my face and sharing that with everyone around me is not my ideal evening. But sharing them with paper is one of my passions. I feel comforted with each tap of the keys. The screen of the computer the only thing here to see my tear smeared eyes without judgment or demanding an explanation. My thoughts pouring from me faster than I can think them. Reading everything I create and learning about myself as I go. Self-discovery through my impulsive thoughts. I bring myself back to the reality of where I really am. Hiding in a public restroom, not surrounded by the tranquility of my room. I take a deep breath and push myself off of the sofa. 

Your eyes

I want...

I need...

I long for...

I won't always be alone...

Your eyes can't lie to me...

But you stand within your walls...

your eyes the gates to what we are

I met your gaze with the same fierce

I saw it all there

behind your eyes

 

fighting sleep

premature death. beautifully tragic. not for me. even though the depression has me nodding. the anxiety of all the tomorrows i might not see jolts me awake. like a child fighting sleep. i live to see another tomorrow.