the waiting room

I sit in the white chair

arms crossed 

smirk on my face

staring at the white door

the walls that surround me are white too

the air is clean

and the sun shines through the windows

I hear you pacing outside

I can feel how close you are

I can't wait for you to open the door

and help me paint my white walls

No Remorse

I need to feel something that is just mine

So, I think about you

You broke my heart

and it was all mine

each piece was mine

you had it whole in the palm of your hands

it was yours to do with as you pleased

you clenched your fists

and stood over the pieces 

just watching

with no remorse

just stared at each piece

and waited for me to pick them up and walk away

and I did

with each piece

You just stood there

and watched me leave

with no remorse

I trusted you with everything

and there I was 

left to clean up the mess you made

with no help from you

and no remorse

Happy has found me

and I can't write about him

coffee: my everything substitute

I want to feel the warmth

I sip my coffee

literal warmth

my chest warms

semi-satisfying

but not what I am seeking

the ache for more is dulled

but present

the warmth is my addiction

and has become harder to attain

before I could just open my gates

the warmth would rush in

now I am skeptical

my gates are locked

even to the warmth

and today I'm wanting

my chest stings

nature vs nurture

my eyes are lifeless and brown today

the fire that brings them to green is just a few burning embers

daily they burn green and I'm alive

but today they don't have the energy 

to fight who I was

who I am supposed to be

they have settled with what I was given

and remain ordinary

ordinary feels right today

actually today brings no feelings or desires

living passionately takes it's toll on me

on my eyes

that is why they dimly burn brown today

I can't fight the brittany I was born to be

tomorrow I will be the me who burns intensely

today is a break from the fighting

gardens and walls

The 10-foot stone walls draw me near. The deep grey encompassing the beauty inside. I reach the intricate gates that complete the beautiful scene. I want nothing more than to be inside those gates. My hands grip them and tug with frustration. Locked. I laugh at the irony. I turn my back to the gates and the garden inside.  A lifeless field my current landscape. Dull colors surround me. I contemplate my entry to this place. I've seen it and now I have to have it. I have to be inside those walls. Surrounded by the colors and the smells. Complete serenity awaits me. I can feel it. The gate keeper guards this place with his heart and won't even be seen by me. It's easier that way. He maintains the beauty inside those walls. Waiting for someone worthy to share it with. Scaling the walls would only result in being removed. Patiently waiting for the gates to be opened for me will be my only option. Not so easy for the girl who believes in creating her own fate.

our walls

I like the way you do things

completely the opposite of me

slow and careful

it feels better

it's deeper

I can't fall in love with your walls

and you can't fall in love with mine

but that's ok

each moment of it is enjoyed

walls surrounding us both

and it's still enjoyed

my little black curtain

happiness clotting my pen. bleeding on paper impossible. the black curtain falls keeping the words a mystery even to me. my dissociation from the possible disappointment. or in other cases the pain. my mental self defense. a little black curtain.

Who am I and how did I get here???

logical passion

the two things I have magically combined

each tugging at me from different sides

passion pushing me over the edge of the cliff

and logic pulling me back

I’m short of breath,

scared that standing on the edge is my minds delusion

and I’m going to wake up at the bottom of the gorge

not remembering the fall at all

fighting in my head as to where my fear lies

in the actual leap

or missing it…

 

the adrenaline of the roller coaster has me manic

but the idea that it may or may not be on the track has me screaming

 

?

my creativity is dull today...

lip pouting

and still nothing

what is the cue?